Salem is Out of Touch with the Youth
by OnlyTheResults
Summary: Salem requires help from Dr. Watts after discovering something curious from Emerald's twitter account. Sadly, she's not as savvy with the internet as she is all powerful. (Written for /r/RWBY's Writing Prompt Wednesday)
1. Chapter 1: Salem the Boomer

"Dr. Watts!" Salem called as she entered the good doctors laboratory deep within the confines of her castle in the Everknight. Unlike the moralistic grandstanding of Atlas, Salem provided him with every tool to exercise his science. From Grimm, to live test subjects to _experimental_ tools, Arthur Watts has everything he could have desired in the realm of scientific inquiry.

He looked up from his seat, shutting off his custom scrolls playlist of Atlesian operatic music. He might have been spurned by the kingdom, but that didn't mean he didn't appreciate the classics. He was in a good mood, especially given the fact Cinder and her posse were at Beacon.

"Yes ma'am?" he asked, giving her the due deference she demanded. The ancient woman practically flew into the lab. In her hand was a scroll.

Arthur paled.

"Dr. Watts. I require your experience with technology."

Arthur's good mood evaporated in an instant. Salem and technology never went well. He swore he'd gained several gray hairs trying to set up a social media account for Salem, as well as godsforsaken wi-fi in the castle. She still needed help with the most mundane actions, like using Twitter or messaging her other lieutenants.

He braced himself. "Is it about the Black Queen Virus? I told Cinder all she needs to do is get it to an access point and leave the rest to me" the man said through gritted teeth. With simple magic she let her scroll float towards Arthur. He plucked it out of the air and looked at the screen. It was Twitter, but more specifically it was under #Beacon. He could see Emerald's account posting a picture of Ozpin with the caption of "Ok, Boomer."

He looked back up at Salem before looking back down. "I'm unsure as to what the issue is, ma'am."

Salem scowled. "Young Emerald has posted a series of such things, all related to the professors of Beacon. Port. Goodwitch. Oobleck. She calls them... memes..."

She flicked her wrist and her scroll flew back to her. Arthur wasn't the most religious man, but it was these moments he wished the Brother Gods were still here to hear his prayer.

"They seem to harness power against them. These words. These... memes... Is there a way that you can utilize them more efficiently?"

For the first time in his life, the esteemed and genius Dr. Arthur Watts, felt regret for ever faking his death and leaving Atlas.

"Ah. I see..." he began slowly, thinking of something, anything to say. "I don't believe they are weapons ma'am. Memes are... jokes... within the younger generation" he tried to explain as he adjusted his black tie.

Wait. More _efficiently?_

Watts quickly checked his custom scroll, swiping through Twitter until he found Salem's faux-account under the name of 'Selene.'

_Oh no... _ he thought. Countless of memes. Bad memes. Memes that are out of touch.

_Boomer memes_

"Jokes, Dr. Watts? Are you certain?"

"Yes... very certain..."

He slipped his scroll back into his pocket. "Well... then I suppose we may re-strategize with these so called memes. To find and recruit new agents."

Watts considered the idea. The White Fang had used similar ideas in the past to some effect, but he didn't think Salem had the savvy to do so.

Salem had caught on to the fact he was holding something back. "Arthur. Speak freely." Her voice carried dark command.

"Of course ma'am... I simply think... that your 'memes' are... possibly out of touch with the youth." He swiped his hand, activating a few of his rings to bring up a screen showcasing Salem's twitter account, alongside Emeralds. It seemed like the girl had quite the following on the web.

"As you can see, Emerald's 'memes' are at a higher like and retweeted ratio. Yours however..."

Two likes at best. No retweets. Nothing. One comment. It said "Ok boomer." With the click of his ring he had all the information about that user. A student of Beacon by the name of Yang Xiao-Long. He could see Salem's eye twitch.

"Are they calling me old?"

"And out of touch."

Her eye twitched again. "I have seen countless generations of youth over centuries. I know more about the youth of each generation more than anyone!"

Dr. Watts could only nod in despair. "Find more memes to post for me, Dr. Watts!" she commanded with a growl. "Then we shall see who is 'out of touch'!"

There was another comment on one of her boomer memes. It was Emerald.

All it said was "Ok, boomer."

Salem twitched her eye as tendrils of darkness spread from the ground. The Grimm test subjects he had were wailing loudly as the entire laboratory shook. Vials, equipment and countless bits of Watt's precious lab were shattered and broken.

She raged further as she exited Watt's lab in a rage, leaving it a destroyed mess.

Watts sighed. "I bet Pietro doesn't have to deal with this..."


	2. Chapter 2: The Shave

_The number you're calling is not available at this time, please leave a message after the beep._

_..._

_..._

_BEEP_

That was the worst sound in the world. In the entire world.

The sound of rooms being trashed was all the message would be first. The sound of a table flying through the air and Hazel going "Umpf" as he was hit by it.

Arthur looked up and into his scroll with mad desperation. "Cinder? Cinder dear are you there? Please pick up!-" Arthur ducked his head as Tyrian flew over his head and into a corner with a loud slam.

"By the gods please pick up! We're dying here!" Watts never thought he'd be begging Cinder for anything but here he was.

Arthur heard Hazel speaking to Salem again. He was trying to explain to her that teens like Emerald were just naturally more in tune with what is current. Salem was having none of that and furiously destroyed another piece of expensive furniture. Probably something Watts had bought.

Arthur quickly recalled Cinder after his last message. This was about his sixth attempted call. _Come on. Come on, come on, come ON! Pick up! _he screamed in his mind.

Finally. The gods were finally merciful. He never thought he'd be this happy to see Cinder's face as she picked up her scroll. There was a sneer on her face as she looked with disgust at the older man from her screen.

"Why have you been calling me SEVEN TIMES?" she practically screamed at him. Thankfully she was in her dorm. "Didn't she specifically say NOT to contact us unless it was about the Black Queen Virus?"

Watts would have shot back a cruel retort if it was any other scenario. But that was not the case.

"HELP US!" he begged into the microphone.

Cinder blinked and widened her eyes. Was she hearing him right? The great doctor Arthur Watts was asking for HER help?

Oh she was going to have fun with this.

"Oh? And what has brought this about?" Her voice oozed in a sultry smug voice. She was relishing in the idea of making Watts beg for whatever he needed.

She suddenly heard a crash in the back. The doctor ducked as Tyrian went flying, shouting an "Point taken my queen!" as he crashed into a pile of furniture Hazel was stacking. Cinder was wide eyed as she saw Watts reappear from beneath his desk.

"Arthur!" Hazel bellowed as he set down another sofa barricade. "I had to take this from your room. It's the..."

Arthur looked towards the barricade and practically wept. "Not the special edition leather bound Atlas Science weekly sofa!"

Hazel nodded sadly as Watts mourned his lost special edition leather bound sofa. Cinder had never seen anything like it. Having finally composed himself, Arthur turned back to Cinder.

"You have to help us-"

Cinder raised her hands to her head and said "Wait, wait, wait. What the HELL is going on?" She was genuinely, utterly shocked.

"It's Salem! She was trying to use social media again!"

Watts heard a gasp from nearby. It sounded masculine so he only assumed it was Mercury. "No.." Cinder said. This was worse than she thought.

"You have to help us! Look at her twitter account! Look what Emerald has posted!"

Cinder looked to Mercury who was already on his scroll. He tossed it to her and she went to Salem's faux account and her eyes widened. Emerald had commented "Ok, boomer" on one of Salem's boomer memes.

This was a nightmare. "You have to get her to delete them! Please! We- I'll do anything!"

Cinder's shock slowly returned to her initial thoughts. Using this to her advantage. Making Watts as miserable as possible. Paying him back for his unending slew of taunts within Evernight castle.

Her smirk returned and Arthur knew at once he was resigned to his fate. "Fine..." he began, rubbing his temples. "What do you want in return?..."

Another crash could be heard as Hazel yelled for Tyrian to come and fortify the furniture barricade with him. Arthur looked back at them and grimaced.

"Hmmm" Cinder started. There were endless possibilities. Endless ways to torture the older man. Oh the evil she could do.

Then it hit her. It was glorious. Gloriously evil. The most despicable thing she could make him do. She felt quite proud of it.

"You..." Cinder pointed a slim finger at him, slowly going down her screen. "Have to shave your mustache, Doctor."

Arthur Watts wept silently. For his precious mustache. His beloved friend. Force him to apologize to Pietro for faking his death. Disgrace him a dozen times over.

Do anything to him but shave his mustache.

Resigned to his fate, Watts shouted to Tyrian to brave the castle to find his shaver. Usually it was only used to trim his mustache and shape it into the way he wanted and not for such abject heresy.

But they needed this. He would sacrifice for the greater good.

Returning to Cinder's dorm room by this time was Emerald, who came in just in time to see Arthur Watts finishing his mustache off. The last strands of hair fell out of view as the poor doctor set the shaver down. "There. It's done. Now get Emerald to delete her comments and call her memes funny! Or we're all doomed!"

Cinder however was reveling in her victory. She had one upped her tormentor! And Salem didn't even have to tell him to knock it off this time! Sweet, joyous victory!

"Cinder!"

Snapping back to the grave reality at hand, she nodded and called Emerald over. The girl hesitantly walked towards her faux team leader and looked confused. "I thought we weren't supposed to make contact with..." her lips broke into a grin as she got a good look at that jerk of a doctor without his mustache.

Soon she couldn't help herself in breaking out into laughter. Then Mercury started laughing and finally Cinder broke into a chuckle.

"Yes! Yes! I look like a fool! Now would you please do what I'm asking now?!"

Wiping a tear from her eyes, Cinder whispered something to Emerald which caused her to widen her eyes before fumbling for her own scroll and quickly opening up Twitter.

"There. That should do it" Cinder said, causing Watts to breath a sigh of relief. Hazel, who was listening at their barricade, suddenly motioned Watts over. Arthur nodded and ended the scroll call when he saw the three of them breaking down into laughter again.

"Yes, what is it?" He asked as he placed a hand on his beloved sofa to take a peek out. Curious...

"She's stopped. No more sounds..."

Hazel was right. The rage had ceased. No more sounds of Salem screeching. No more furniture being thrown. No more Tyrian being thrown.

There was quiet.

"Should we check it out?" Watts wondered. Hazel nodded and started moving bits of their barricade aside. Slowly the pair stepped out of their safe haven to investigate.

They traversed their way to the meeting room, passing by broken glass and seats until they finally opened the battered door to see Salem sitting facing away, sitting in her seat.

"Ma'am?" Watts asked hesitantly, stepping forward slightly with a hint of fear.

Then he heard it. A low, tittering sound at first. Then it rose and rose to such annoying heights.

Salem was laughing. Arthur could only guess at what. A pretty good guess actually. Spinning around she looked at her servants as if nothing had happened. Floating over she showed them her scroll.

"Young Emerald has seen the error of her ways and deleted her comment and replaced it with the due praise I so greatly deserve. And she shared me this..."

Watt's green eyes twitched.

There on her scroll was a DM of his shaved face with a comment from Emerald, Cinder and Mercury calling him Doctor Boomer.

Salem was laughing hysterically. Hazel even began to chuckle and Tyrian, who had crawled out of whatever hole he was hiding in, had joined in with that maniacal laugh of his.

Salem looked up from her scroll and bellowed "It's even funnier in person!" That caused Hazel to really start laughing and Tyrian simply lost it.

"Yes, yes, how _hilarious..._" he sighed as his master and colleagues simply broke down at his shaven face.

Miserably, he slunk out of the meeting room with his shoulders drooped and his hands in his coat pockets, grumbling as he did so.

"I really bet Pietro doesn't have to deal with this..."

**FIN**

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**A/N: This was really fun to write. I hope you guys liked it too. **


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